The_ends_beginning on Xanga

Friday, 13 March 2009

Still looking back

For quite some time now I have been wondering what has been on my mind. I look at the future, the things before me that I know I will enjoy. Things I can not wait for. Yet, for some reason, I keep looking back at what was.

For as long as I can remember, I was alone. I observed, I guessed at what others thought, what actions other people would make, I got good at it. Still, over all that time, I was alone. Outside the world, not a part of it. I had friends but they didn't matter. I had family...if you could call it that...but I never saw them. I felt free of the world.

Maybe that is why I feel like I do now.

I am part of what I was so detached from. Perhaps growing up is the term for it...but...its not the same. I know I am happier now but I don't want to be. I know I enjoy things more today than I did yesterday but...I don't feel alive. Being dead to the world does that I guess. Waking up without being awake...it is a funny prospect.

The emotion is change...if that is even an emotion. I am slowly learning how to be what I never wanted to be. A person. I am learning how to try...and that when I don't somebody gets hurt. Since when did my life have influence on somebody else's life? I was always the one on the outside moving the puzzle, not the imiage on it.

I hate the spotlight. I like being the supporting character.

I guess I am learning that you can not be the supporting character of your own life. I have a wife...I have a job...I actually want to have kids. I have ties to this world. When did that happen? Why does that confuse me?

I...can't do the one thing I always wanted to do anymore...maybe that is why I feel so weird...that I understand that I can't just leave and not be missed. I can't disappear slowly into the night having done much to make others move yet never be noticed.

Have I failed?

Sunday, 07 December 2008

Every end creates a new beginning, every new beginning must come to an end.

Thursday, 19 June 2008

All I can say is, xanga...sucks.

Monday, 17 March 2008

And I finally hit the damn ball.

2+3=chair. When you figure it out you will know what I have been trying to do. Turn a numerical problem into a real world object...of sorts. Just turn the 3 on its side so it looks like an m then put the two ontop. Anyway, I digress.
Why do we try in life? To quote a teacher of mine, "its the classical addictive behivior, the rat presses a button, crack comes out. Rat eats the crack, likes it, pushes the button again, nothing. Presses again, something. So, presses again, nothing, again, nothing, again, nothing, then something. After a while all the rat will do is keep pressing that button all day." Understand the comparison? Let me explain.
We try because once in a while we win. So we keep trying till we win again. We know we will eventually it's just the when that is unknown. So, we keep going knowing it will get better, we will win and sure enough, we do. We always will, so we keep trying.
Take heart in that, nomatter how many times you lose, eventually you will win.

As for me, I lost for a long long long time. Took a break to see if I could win, this is how long it took me, see my last post's date, yeah, that long. But I did win ^^

Monday, 30 July 2007

To any who actually read this, Life has thrown a few curveballs my way and I am still trying to figure out how to hit them. In time I will figure it out and be able to post again. Until then, I will be unable to update this site.

Friday, 18 May 2007

I feel like a series.

I wrote something on anothers post and decided to make a comment on here aswell. It is to long for one comment, so I am going to write on it in a few posts over time.
Things are easily forgotten over time. A story is passed on, changed slightly to fit a situation, retold, further changed, then retold again. After so many tellings the origional meaning could have changed completly. This is true of any verbal story and we are all guilty of changing a detail or two along the way. First learn to admit that, you are not perfect, I am not perfect. Move past that. After you fight your ego and realise that you too retell things with even a very slight change, be it tone, a word, a phrase, then realise how easy and mindless it seems. Then how unimportant it seems. That is the point, when it seems unimportant we are in the most trouble. Because it seems pointless or meaningless, the small change, we have no problem doing it. This is where things first become lost to time. A simple example using a simple "fact" (must add the following quote, "Every sound theory is baised on unsound assumption"). Keep in mind this is an example, assume there is no doccumentation or people left who fought or had parents or grandparents who did.
During world war two, the United States of America fought Germany.
(Now, a slight change...this will take some time, but watch.)
In World War two, the United States fought Germany.
(still nothing to bad)
World war two was fought between the United States and Germany
(getting a little off, there were more than two in the war but still, both did fight. Lets run with that one a little)
In WWII, the USA fought solely against Germany.
(insert japan aswell and that is where we are at right now. In reality we fought against Germany, Italy, Austria (if I remember right), Japan, and Hungrary. Maybe a few others in there I fotgot about aswell. Now, lets add some assumptions)
The USA defeated Germany in WWII, ending their conflict.
(moving faster)
The USA's defeat of Germany ended WWII
(look, slightly back on track, meaning changed a little though. Lets aim for just plain wrong)
The USA completly defeated its enemy, Germany, in WWII
(way...off... Russia actually beat Germany after the allies decided to allow them first entry into Germany. Assumption of loss time)
Because the USA defeated Germany in WWII, it can be assumed that the USA had better production abilitys and/or tactics.
(uh, oh, an assumption)
The USA had both better tactics and a higher production compacity then Germany during WWII, causing Germany's defeat.
(mixing words and showing an oppinion/assumption as a fact, naughty. Lets make the defeat unimportant)
Germany was screwed during WWII because the USA was better at war.
(a little slang and a slight term change for tactics, what a mess, lets assume more)
The USA was obsessed with war, making it an overwhelming combatant for Germany during WWII
(Getting the hint?)
Because of the agressiveness of the USA, Germany lost WWII.
(enough yet? one more)
The German loss of WWII can be attributed to the USA's agressive policy's.

So, we start with a simple fact, "During world war two, the United States of America fought Germany." And end with "The German loss of WWII can be attributed to the USA's agressive policy's." Note, the initial statement had nothing to do with victors, policies, or even reasons, just a statement. Amazing how it can change.

Something that only has words to back it up can be changed drastically after a few retellings. Simple information can be turned into much more than it ever needs to be. History is lost because of this. Sure, in the example the initial fact is still there but everything else added to it never was. Now, think of some things you see as fact. Here is a simple example. "let he who is without sin cast the first stone." That means do not judge to harshly because we have all done things that are concidered wrong. It is not a free ticket to do whatever you wish. How about thisone, it's a little more obscure. "Do not be bound by tradition" From the same place. Know what it is written as now? "Do not be set in your ways". Same meaning right? Not if you look at it. Being set in your ways means you do the same thing over and over. Tradition is very simular, however, tradition is only once in a great while sometimes, and thoes tend to stick. This is where I will pick up nexttime.

Sunday, 13 May 2007

One quick glance.

First impressions are said to be everything in a relationship. The first time you meet a person you make a list in your head, often subconsciously, of the pros and cons of a person. After that first meeting you then decide if that person is worth a second meeting and, if so, how many more after that they are worth. Conversly, if you decide against meeting them again, you make another list of what would have to change inorder to desire another encounter with that person. We all do this, myself included. The issue is, often the first impression is not the person as a whole. Infact, it RARELY is. If they had a bad day, you will get a bad impression, oppsite for a good day. So, where is my point? Meet up with thoes you don't want to, you will learn so much more from thoes encounters than you will from the ones you think you will like. You might even find something you like from them, even if you don't like them.
"Don't judge a book by its cover. Judge it by the content."
(talking about myself here, ignore it if you don't want to know. Rant-ish.)
I do not concider many to be worth my time. I have a predjustice against humanity. In one glance I can tell numeruous things about a person with a scary degree of insight, so I am told. More often than not I generalize people into three categories. Yes, they are slightly sexiest. Category one, decent. People here tend to like to talk to nearly anybody. Not really friend worthy but often fun to be around. Social butterfly's in a sense, except they are able to remember names and faces. Physically, they tend to be of average build (average by the standard of medical DR's, not of society's standards), have some unique quirk about them (like a twitch or a weird wave or something of the like, often meaningless), and can either easily blend in or easily become the center of attention, depending on their location and appearence at the time. Mentally, for men there tends to be a less sports driven attitude aswell as a more intellectual drive in life. Women, oddly, tend to not be in this category unless dating.... To me, these people are fun in small doses but there is no real attachment. Category two, human. Humans are animilistic, hormone driven, pathetic wastes of resourses. They are the ones with one track minds and goals that are utterly meaningless. Physically, for men, they are usually the built up type with more muscle then brain, often try to be intimidating or imposing with their pressence, and usually do whatever it takes to get attention. The converse is true for men, the ones who are little more than rolls of fat. For women, the only physical trait I have noticed a trend in are the skiny whores. Both try to force their way into the center of the crowd and get attention in any way possible. Mentally, they are the world, even if they can't comprehend half of it. Women in here tend to be slutty and often driven by little more than a desire to have sex with somebody. (the ones who always talk about it, think about it, try to get it. The half dressed girl on the beach or the bar hop looking for a good night) Men in here tend to be idiots, obsessed with physical activity, and nearly always overlook any other person that isn't a physical chalenge to them. (often they have one goal in life, play their sport. The ultmate in futile goals. Aside from that, they swear...a lot.) I tend to disreguard this groop on sight. Category three, interesting. People here can be of any physical type with the exception of being obese. (excessive obesity, to me, is laziness mixed with an large dose of being spolied, hardly ever worth the time to talk to) It is the mental that links them. Often the more outcasted by society, these people have rather unique perspectives on tihngs. Not radical by any means, just different. The person who looks at a car and begins to describe the light pattern reflected off the hubcaps would be here. Noticing things others would often overlook and trying to find their meaning. Seeming spaced out most of the time, lost in a thought. (NOT drugged out of their mind) These people are often intellegent, slightly wise, and normally very quiet. This makes them hard to find. Most of my friends fit here. Most can be found online in a chatroom, outside walking alone, or in their room reading a book. All of which make social contact hard.
(end me)

Tuesday, 08 May 2007

Another month another post

Recently I have been short on time. The world continues to spin at the same rate yet each day seems to come and go faster and faster. After some thought I remembered something I heard a while back. "When you are 2 years old, only 730 some days have passed. So, one more day is 1/731 of your life. It may seem small but compair that to when you are 20. At that time about 7305 days have passed. The next day is only 1/7306th of your life. One day doesn't seem like as much time as it did when you were 2." Around then I realised how sad that was. Preception overrides reality. However, we do more and more in that time. Time flys when you are having fun, aswell as when you are grown up. So, what is the underlying message? Simple. If you don't do something important soon, you might run out of time for it. Don't be so busy that the next 7 years pass by in the blink of an eye. Make every second count, make everything a memory. After all, you are the one that makes them.

Friday, 06 April 2007

A small bit on insight

"Regret is the domain of thoes who've earned the right to look back on the past, all I have is shame."
I heard this today and it made me think. Why regret anything? We may be able to look back and see all the stupid things we have done but all of them make us what we are. Be what we did stupid, arrogant, or down right evil, we did it. Nothing can change it, nothing can remove it, nothing ever should. Regret leads to obsession more often than not. I know, I've been there a few times. If we can just learn to accept that what happened, happened, and move on life would become so much simpler. After all, if we hold on to sorrow, all we have is sorrow.

Monday, 19 March 2007

Challenges

Challenges are a near constant in life. We always have to overcome something, large or small. The truth of the matter is, the difficulty of the challenge is more important than its size. An easy challenge leaves us with nothing but a feeling of pride that we can easily overcome it. Pride makes us weak, lowering our defences for the next time a simular challenge comes along, until a point is reached where something that should be easy becomes impossible. Making everything in life seem easy really only makes everything more difficult for you.
Harsh challenges, ones that test values, your will, your very limits should be viewed with joy. A challenge where the odds are so stacked against you that you are nearly doomed to fail is the best thing to come across in life for thru thoes, succeed or fail, you grow. You learn more from taking on a challenge you can't win then you ever would doing something the easy way and walking over it. Sadly, hard challenges also wear away at a person. Constant failure begins to wear at emotions and eventually destroy you just as easily as pride can.
That is where we need support, that is why we need support. There will always be some challenge we can not overcome alone, something we can not hope to live thru when taking on alone. At that point there is no challenge, it is just survival. Be it to keep us from becomming to full of pride or to prevent us from giving up, the only way to grow to completion is to have friends to help you. So choose them wisely and be happy for thoes you have with you, be your challenges immence or pathetic.
"a man who grabs a cat by the tail knows 40% more about cats than a man that hasn't" Mark Twain